I mean, how can it be a journey if you're not going anywhere? I'm working on things, I'm trying to get healthy and lose some weight and I'm on the right track. I've lost 6.5 pounds so far and have decided that during my holiday in Cuba I'm still going to try and track what I eat and not go crazy. My husband wasn't too supportive of that, but why does a holiday have to be about food? That's the only thing that's working for me right now.
I still don't have a specialist appointment booked and it's been almost 2 months since the paperwork was sent away. I'm doing what I can on my own in the form of vitamins, but it's obvious that they take time because here I am at CD39 with no sign of O or AF. My GP has washed her hands of me saying she won't treat anything fertility wise so that when I get to the OBGYN he can start fresh with me. That would be great if their office would book my appt! There is a new GP in town that is accepting patients and I decided to book one with her. While I realize she may give me the same answers, she may also be willing to look at my charts and give me prescriptions more readily. I would love to try Metformin even though I'm not insulin resistant because I've heard it can help PCOS patients lose weight. Would love to try! And, I'm at the point where I want a prescription to end my cycle again. I just want to feel hope again.
Why is life so unfair? Why can't infertility be reserved for someone who never wants kids? I realize my journey hasn't been as long as some, I just can't help but think that if I had a sticky bean in September I'd be 4 months along by now. I deserve to be a mom don't I?
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Sunday, December 13, 2009
My whirlwind that's dropped me here...
I had no idea my life was going to end up here, but I'm glad it did. On one hand life is certainly not as I imagined it, on the other hand it's following the exact path I always imagined and dreamed it would. I've had my own personal struggles in my life, some I have overcome, some I'm working on, one hurdle at a time.
Hurdle #1, I was married in 2004. It was not something I wanted to go through with, but everyone convinced me it was just cold feet and that I'd regret my decision to call off the wedding. Fast forward to 2006, which entailed me moving out and separating. Oddly enough, I have no regrets. If I had wished for anything to be different, then I would not be where I am today. By going through the pain of divorce, I learned more about myself and where I needed to be in order to be content with my life. It took a year and a half of me being single, casual dating to learn what I was looking for in a partner to make me happy. I was not looking for a man I could just live with, I was looking for a man I could not live without, not just any man, but the man who could finish my thoughts and sentences and would be my everything and at the same time let me be his. I found him, March 12, 2008. I found the right man. He truly is a part of me, and we got married August 22, 2009. So, we've both overcome one huge hurdle of finding "the one" and moved on to the next hurdle.
Hurdle #2, our journey to creating a life together. When I divorced, I decided it would be ok to meet a man that did not want children with me, whether he just didn't want them or whether he had his own and was done. After all, I was in my 30's, I felt it was a lot to ask of a man at that age. It didn't take me long to realize that after I met Matt, I had this need to create a life with him. It's not that I just want a baby, I want a family with him, I want to create a life with him. At first he wasn't sure if he wanted more children, but now, he wants to create that little bean just as much as I do. It breaks my heart for him every month I don't get pregnant. We've been trying since April 2009, 8 months. I've had one miscarriage, at 3 weeks along and could never dream of anything being more heartbreaking. I think now that I would be 3 months along if it had been a sticky bean. But, the powers that be work in mysterious ways and it obviously wasn't meant to be. 8 months of trying with no success bring us to hurdle #3.
Hurdle #3, was finding out that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. After going off the Birth Control Pill I noticed a lot of changes. Excess hair growth on my face, acne, I gained about 20 pounds and my cycles were all over the place. After a complete physical and a lot of research I learned I had PCOS which means I'm prone to miscarriages and cysts, and will have these problems for the rest of my life. Symptoms can be managed, but PCOS will never go away. I have been referred to an OBGYN, but the appointment will take months. In the meantime, I'm doing what I can on my own to feel like I'm helping myself and trying not to feel so broken. I take a lot of herbs and vitamins, go to acupuncture, hoping with everything in me that they will help and at least give me the chance to get pregnant. So far, nothing has worked. I have a short luteal phase, irregular cycles and don't always ovulate, all things which make getting pregnant near impossible, which even in perfect circumstances, getting pregnant isn't easy. This is emotionally taxing. I constantly ask why me? How can young girls or any girl that doesn't want to get pregnant have it happen so easy, and someone in our situation who are part of a loving couple and wanting a baby so desperately can't make it happen. Part of this knowledge of PCOS brings me to hurdle #4.
Hurdle #4, I am overweight and have been all my life. I`ve had so many sports injuries that I`ve always had to watch what I do, but depending on the activity I pushed through the pain. PCOS leaves most women obese and fighting to lose weight. I now have an explanation for my weight and don`t want to use it as an excuse, but rather a motivation. I need to get my bad eating habits under control and need to get active again. Something as simple as tying my shoes has become so difficult! I decided to sign up with a personal trainer for both fitness and nutrition with Matt`s full support. We both need to do this. We want to live long and healthy lives and don`t want to be struggling with our weight forever. I just want to be healthy and want to be able to conceive that child we both so desperately want.
I finally feel like now, with baby steps, I am working towards the woman that I have always wanted to be, but never really had the courage to face all my obstacles head on. I`m learning, I`m getting active, I`m eating healthier, I`m positive about what I`m doing, and I`m doing it all with a man I love with my whole being by my side. This is my journey, it will be long and tough at times, but I am not alone and in the end, we will conquer, for the first time, I believe that.
Hurdle #1, I was married in 2004. It was not something I wanted to go through with, but everyone convinced me it was just cold feet and that I'd regret my decision to call off the wedding. Fast forward to 2006, which entailed me moving out and separating. Oddly enough, I have no regrets. If I had wished for anything to be different, then I would not be where I am today. By going through the pain of divorce, I learned more about myself and where I needed to be in order to be content with my life. It took a year and a half of me being single, casual dating to learn what I was looking for in a partner to make me happy. I was not looking for a man I could just live with, I was looking for a man I could not live without, not just any man, but the man who could finish my thoughts and sentences and would be my everything and at the same time let me be his. I found him, March 12, 2008. I found the right man. He truly is a part of me, and we got married August 22, 2009. So, we've both overcome one huge hurdle of finding "the one" and moved on to the next hurdle.
Hurdle #2, our journey to creating a life together. When I divorced, I decided it would be ok to meet a man that did not want children with me, whether he just didn't want them or whether he had his own and was done. After all, I was in my 30's, I felt it was a lot to ask of a man at that age. It didn't take me long to realize that after I met Matt, I had this need to create a life with him. It's not that I just want a baby, I want a family with him, I want to create a life with him. At first he wasn't sure if he wanted more children, but now, he wants to create that little bean just as much as I do. It breaks my heart for him every month I don't get pregnant. We've been trying since April 2009, 8 months. I've had one miscarriage, at 3 weeks along and could never dream of anything being more heartbreaking. I think now that I would be 3 months along if it had been a sticky bean. But, the powers that be work in mysterious ways and it obviously wasn't meant to be. 8 months of trying with no success bring us to hurdle #3.
Hurdle #3, was finding out that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. After going off the Birth Control Pill I noticed a lot of changes. Excess hair growth on my face, acne, I gained about 20 pounds and my cycles were all over the place. After a complete physical and a lot of research I learned I had PCOS which means I'm prone to miscarriages and cysts, and will have these problems for the rest of my life. Symptoms can be managed, but PCOS will never go away. I have been referred to an OBGYN, but the appointment will take months. In the meantime, I'm doing what I can on my own to feel like I'm helping myself and trying not to feel so broken. I take a lot of herbs and vitamins, go to acupuncture, hoping with everything in me that they will help and at least give me the chance to get pregnant. So far, nothing has worked. I have a short luteal phase, irregular cycles and don't always ovulate, all things which make getting pregnant near impossible, which even in perfect circumstances, getting pregnant isn't easy. This is emotionally taxing. I constantly ask why me? How can young girls or any girl that doesn't want to get pregnant have it happen so easy, and someone in our situation who are part of a loving couple and wanting a baby so desperately can't make it happen. Part of this knowledge of PCOS brings me to hurdle #4.
Hurdle #4, I am overweight and have been all my life. I`ve had so many sports injuries that I`ve always had to watch what I do, but depending on the activity I pushed through the pain. PCOS leaves most women obese and fighting to lose weight. I now have an explanation for my weight and don`t want to use it as an excuse, but rather a motivation. I need to get my bad eating habits under control and need to get active again. Something as simple as tying my shoes has become so difficult! I decided to sign up with a personal trainer for both fitness and nutrition with Matt`s full support. We both need to do this. We want to live long and healthy lives and don`t want to be struggling with our weight forever. I just want to be healthy and want to be able to conceive that child we both so desperately want.
I finally feel like now, with baby steps, I am working towards the woman that I have always wanted to be, but never really had the courage to face all my obstacles head on. I`m learning, I`m getting active, I`m eating healthier, I`m positive about what I`m doing, and I`m doing it all with a man I love with my whole being by my side. This is my journey, it will be long and tough at times, but I am not alone and in the end, we will conquer, for the first time, I believe that.
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